A COLLECTION OF FUNNY QUOTES...

Eric Cantona

"I prefer to play and lose than win, because I know in advance I'm going to win." 

"I have a giant, leaky vagina."

"Sometimes in life one experiences an emotion which is so strong that it is difficult to think, or to reason."

"I like to score a proper goal, you know - a passing move."

Robbie Keane

"I can't even remember when the Seventies was." 

"We have a great sense of togetherness. It is our team spirit that has taken us to the World Cup." - on Ireland

Kenny Cunningham - Irish

"I find the growing intervention by the football authorities in strictly footballing matters a rather worrying trend." 

Thierry Henry

"Sometimes in football you have to score goals"

"It's not about me, it's about how I can help my team to achieve more. And I do that through scoring goals."

Joao Pinto - Porto

"At one point of the match we felt like we were at the edge of a cliff... but we managed to do the right thing and stepped forward." Joao Pinto, after his team, Porto, recovered from 2-0 to win 2-3

Not every football player or commentator's intelligence can be questioned and it was hard to top the biting wit of Scottish player and manager GORDON STRACHAN. Here a collection of his best:

Reporter: "Gordon, can we have a quick word please?"

Strachan: "Velocity" (and walks off)

Reporter: "So Gordon, in what areas do you think Middlesbrough were better than you today?"

Strachan: "What areas? Mainly that big green one out there"

On injured player Claus Lundekvam:

"When he was carried out of Leicester someone asked me if he was unconscious but I didn't have a clue. He's always like that"

On teenage sensation Wayne Rooney:

"It's an incredible rise to stardom. At 17 you're more likely to get a call from Michael Jackson than England Sven Goran Eriksoon"

A trio that needs some geography lessons...

IAN RUSH (on his move from Liverpool to Juventus)

"I couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country"

Manager RON GREENWOOD

"Playing with wingers is more effective against European sides like Brazil than English sides like Wales"

MARK DRAPER

"I'd like to play for an Italian club like Barcelona"

MERLE KESSLER

“Football players, like prostitutes, are in the business of ruining their bodies for the pleasure of strangers”

"Unfortunately, we keep kicking ourselves in the foot."

JOHN MOTSON

"For those of you watching in black and white, Spurs are in the all yellow strips"

METRO RADIO COMMENTATOR

"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got 11 Dicks on the field"

GEORGE GRAHAM - Scottish soccer player and manager.

"The goalkeeper is the jewel in the crown and getting at him should be almost impossible. It's the biggest sin in football to make him do any work."

RONALDO - Brazilian soccer player, after winning 2002 World Cup.

"I'm sure sex wouldn't be so rewarding as this World Cup. It's not that sex isn't good but the World Cup is every four years and sex is not."

RONALDO

"We lost because we didn't win."

JOHAN CRYUFF - Dutch soccer player.

Italians can't win the game against you, but you can lose the game against the Italians."

JONATHAN WOODGATE:

"Leeds is a great club and it's been my home for years, even though I live in Middlesbrough"

TERRY VENABLES

"If history repeats I should think we can expect the same thing"

WYNE BRIDGES:

"If you don't concede any goals you'll win more games than you loose"

IAN McNAILL:

"We actually got the winner three minutes from the end but then they equalized"

STUART PEARSON:

"Bobby Gould thinks I'm trying to stab him in the back. in fact I'm right behind him"

TERRY BUTCHER:

"The beauty of Cup football is that Jack always has a chance of beating Goliath"

STUART PEARCE:

"I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel"

LAWRIE MCMENEMY - Manager:

"When you are 4-0 up, you should never loose 7-1"

BRIAN MOORE - (commentator):

"Newcastle, of course, unbeaten in their last five wins"

DAVE BASSETT - Manager:

"An inch or two either side of the post and that would have been a goal"

JIMMY HILL - (commentator):

"If England is going to win this match they are going to have to score a goal"

KEVIN KEEGAN

"The Germans only have one player under 22, and he is 23"

RUUD GULLIT - Dutch legend and Chelsea and Newcastle manager:

"We must have had 99 percent of the game. It was the other three percent that cost us the match"

"To play Holland, you have to play the dutch"

RON ATKINSON - Former Manchester United manager and TV commentator was in a class of his own when it came to howlers and stating the obvious. Here is a collection of them:

"On another night they'd have won 2-2"

Commenting on a Valencia-Liverpool match:

"Zero-zero is a big score"

"Well Clive, it's all about the two M's - movement and positioning".

"Well either side could win it, or it could be a draw"

"He dribbles a lot and the opposition don't like it. You can see it all over their faces"

"I would not say Ginola is the best left winger in the premiership, but there are none better"

MARK VIDUKA

"I would not be bothered if we lost every game, as long as we won the league"